unsteady
by psychicchameleon
Summary: Hold on to me, 'cause I'm a little unsteady. A little unsteady. Noah wakes up to fighting between the two people he loves most. Barson. Two-shot.
1. Chapter 1

**Just a Barson one-shot based off of the song Unsteady by X Ambassadors. Review to let me know what you think :) I will probably turn it into a two-shot depending on how I feel. Hopefully more SVU fics to come in the future.**

 _Hold on to me, 'cause I'm a little unsteady. A little unsteady._

Noah sat upright in his bed. It was still dark out, but he couldn't sleep.

His parents had waited for him to fall asleep before they hashed it out. What had started as a fight of whisper-yelling quickly escalated into raised voices.

"Liv, you can't possibly be considering this."

"Barba... I'm going on 50. I'm too old for a casual relationship. I have a son and a full time job and this," she gestured between them, "...this just isn't working."

Rafael cringed first at the use of his last name and then at the words 'casual relationship'.

"Is that all this is to you, some kind of fling? I know I don't have to remind you that I am also at a point in my life where my twenties are well behind me."

 _Mother, I know that you're tired of being alone._

"I can't do this. Us. You are married to your job, and so am I. I don't blame you, but I'm done being alone. I need more, Noah needs more. I'm not letting him get attached to have his heart crushed. You have aspirations. Someday you'll realize that you don't have time to be a dad and you'll walk out of our lives and I'll have to explain to my son why people in his world keep leaving. I can't do that to him Rafael."

He takes in her words and feels the anger rise.

"Did you really just lower me to the level of Johnny D? Am I nothing more than just another person in his life that can't handle it?"

He laughs briefly, but they both know he doesn't think the situation is funny at all.

"I can cut back on the hours Liv. That isn't the problem. The problem is that you think that I'm not committed. That I could walk out that door at any moment and leave you guys behind. You don't trust me."

Her eyes give her away. He's hit the nail right on the head. It wasn't that she didn't want to trust the snarky ADA, but she wasn't a gambling woman and the odds that a man with limitless opportunities would choose to settle down with her an her son were slim to none.

"We're not married. You're the lawyer, you know that legally nothing is binding you to Noah and me. What's to stop you from walking out that door today or tomorrow or weeks from now?"

 _Dad I know that you're trying to fight when you feel like flying._

"You. Noah. That is what's stopping me from just walking out. Yes, maybe someday I want to move beyond being an ADA for SVU, but that is not happening anytime soon, and when it does we can talk about it."

He had shattered all her arguments, but he just couldn't sway the judge. Olivia had made up her mind. She had been hurt too many times, and that wasn't Barba's fault, but it had shattered her trust in her partner.

"It might not work out, and I can't take that chance," she whispered.

Noah had slowly crept from his bed to peek through the door. He could just see the forms of his mother and Rafael in the living room. Their faces are red and visibly upset.

"If you want me gone, I'm gone."

A sob escaped Noah's little body causing Olivia and Rafael to whirl around toward the cause of the noise. The door to Noah's room was clearly ajar, and from the look in the little boy's eyes he had heard everything.

The two grown ups moved toward the crying child. He was clutching a stuffed shark tight to his body as he shook with sobs. All traces of anger suddenly vanished at the sight of their little boy.

"Raf pwease don't leave. Mama don't make Raf leave." Noah's words were a forced whisper. Tears streamed down his face.

Rafael moved to pick up Noah, and he winced as the boy cried into his chest, clutching the elastic of his suspenders as if he never wanted to let go.

"It's okay amigo, I'm not leaving you. I'm just going to live in my house again for a while, okay? But I'll still come to visit you, and maybe you can come visit me too sometimes. How does that sound?" Rafael tightened his grip on Noah, trying to reassure the boy while fighting off heartbreak of his own.

"Don't... don't want you to go." Olivia stood and watched the pained exchange between the two boys-her two boys-as guilt seeped through her veins and a sharp pain overtook her chest.

 _If you love me don't let go._

She didn't want him to leave either, but if she thought it was hard now she couldn't imagine the pain it would cause if she allowed the relationship to continue. They would only grow more attached. She refused to entertain the idea that she and Rafael and Noah could live in their perfect fairytale forever. Every story has to end, and so far all of her stories have ended in heartbreak.

"I'm so sorry Noah, I have to go back to my house. This apartment is too small. I just take up too much space."

Rafael pushed out his belly a little, trying to convince the boy that he had just become too large. The action elicited a giggle from Noah before his face turned somber again.

"Will you still love me and mamí?"

Rafael took a breath. "It doesn't matter if I am a million miles away or right next to you; I will always love you and your mamí. Remember that Noah."

Noah seemed to accept Barba's answer, albeit begrudgingly. He loosened his grip on Rafael's suspenders slightly, but still refused to release the ADA.

 _If you love me don't let go._

Rafael took one last look around the apartment and determined he'd come to pack up his things some other time. Right now he'd say good-bye and then leave before it became even harder to walk away.

"I'll see you soon Noah, okay? Promise you'll be good for your mamí?"

Noah nodded his head up and down. Giving one last squeeze, Rafael set the child on the ground.

He nodded to Olivia. "I'm going to catch a cab. I'll see you in the precinct in the morning. I..." He wanted to say I love you, like he always did before saying goodbye to her, but stopped himself. The unfinished sentence was left hanging in the air as he reached for the door handle.

He half expected her to turn around and admit that she had been wrong and afraid and that she didn't want him to go. Hell, Olivia was already beginning to have second thoughts. The world stopped for a few seconds as Rafael opened the door to the apartment and stepped into the hall. And just as quickly as they had stopped the hands of time resumed and the door clicked shut leaving two broken people on either side.

In the cab, Barba clutched his coat a little bit tighter around himself.

 _Hold, Hold on._

Olivia didn't even try to put Noah back into his crib, she just gathered him into her arms and held him close on the sofa.

 _Hold onto me._

It would be a rough night, but morning would come soon enough. They just needed to hold on until then.

 _'Cause I'm a little unsteady. A little unsteady._


	2. Chapter 2

**I have decided this will be a two-shot. Please review, fave, follow! Those things make my day. Here's part two: enjoy!  
**

"You think our guy is a serial?" Fin stared hard at their current case, and then at the information the squad had on the MO of their rapist. Each of the victims had been harassed with phone calls, raped, and then strangled with a tie. The evidence would all be scrubbed away: not a single print, fiber, or fluid left behind. The only thing the detectives had to go off of was the silk tie that was left wrapped around each victim's throat.

"Of course it's the same guy, but the first three rapes were committed in Jersey... And that means the Feds are going to want in."

Rollins and Fin shared a look before turning to Liv.

She sighed, put her hands up and said, "Okay. I'll call Barba."

The phone call between the ADA and the Lieutenant was brief and professional. No remnant emotions about the previous night were brought up. SVU needed help from the ADA, nothing more.

After about twenty minutes of waiting, Liv heard a knock on her door.

"Come in," she said cautiously, expecting Rafael to emerge. Instead, Amanda Rollins appeared in the doorway.

"Liv, are you okay? Did something happen with you and Barba recently?" The blonde detective had shut the door behind her and assumed a seat in front of the Lieutenant.

Olivia was taken back. Could she really be read that easily? She thought about lying to and saying everything was fine, but Amanda was much more than just a colleague, and she trusted her.

"I ended things last night..." she took a breath, "is it really that easy to tell?"

Amanda gave a sad smile. "It wasn't you that gave it away." She moved to peek through the shades that hid the office from the bullpen and motioned Olivia over.

Rafael Barba was sitting next to Fin and talking over the case. He looked like a mess. His hair wasn't gelled, the normally impeccable suit and tie he wore was full of wrinkles, and the bags under his eyes hinted that he had not gotten much sleep the night before.

"I didn't mean to hurt him." She's not sure if the words are for Amanda or herself, but they're out in the open.

Amanda doesn't say anything, just drops her hold on the window blinds to face Olivia.

"You ready?"

Olivia gives an almost imperceptible nod before she opens the door into the bullpen.

"Alright Barba, what can you do for us?" The ADA looks up at her. His clothes might be wrinkled, but he appears completely unfazed by her presence.

"I'll argue to the judge that the pattern clearly calls for the charges to be tried together, but I need a suspect. Soon. Get me a face within three 72 hours and week keep this case in SVU; any longer than that and the government gets to manhandle our case."

"Okay. Rollins, get Carisi out of bed and go canvas the last two neighborhoods again. Fin, run the DNA through the database one more time and then call Huang to see if we can get a profile on this guy. This case is ours, okay?"

The team nodded in acknowledgment and Olivia retreated back into her office. A few minutes later someone rapped against her door.

 _"_ Come in Rollins," Liv spoke to the doorway, eyes focused on the case file in front of her.

"Lieutenant?" came a voice from in front of her, jolting her gaze upward.

"Oh. Ra-Barba, what can I do for you?" He sighed a little at the formality she was consciously using.

"Can we talk, for just a second?" His eyes were downcast, she didn't have it in her to say no.

"Raf, did you sleep last night?" Olivia spoke genuine concern and more than a little guilt.

"Uh-no, actually, I didn't sleep. I had a lot of paperwork and so I guess I just stayed at my office until you called. I-I didn't even have time to go home and change," He says, gesturing to his sloppy dress wear.

Before she can start to apologize he says, "Not the first time I've pulled an all-nighter at the office, and I doubt it will be the last." Silence ensues as the two adults try to avoid the elephant in the room.

"So... what did you want to talk about?" She probes, thinking she has a fair guess at what brought him into her office.

"Actually, I just wanted to drop this file off with you. I need to get back to the office, but take a look at it when you get a chance?"

"Yea, sure," she stutters, expecting a confrontation from him, not more paperwork.

"Okay, thanks Olivia." The door clicks shut. Olivia looks at the file in front of her. Something tells her it must be important if Rafael was willing to personally drop it off amid the obvious tension between them.

She opens the manila folder and scans the documents inside. Her breath catches.

 _Last Will and Testament of Rafael Barba._ She scans the document, tears pricking at her eyes.

 _In the event of Rafael Barba's death, the title to Mr. Barba's apartment and fifty (50) percent of his remaining monetary assets after taxes shall be transferred to Lucia Barba. Ten (10) percent of Mr. Barba's monetary assets should be donated to the Cuban-American Child Enrichment Charity. The remaining monetary assets shall be transferred into a trust fund in the name of Noah Benson, accessible to him if he is over twenty-one (21) years of age, or entrusted to his appointed guardian, Olivia Benson, until he becomes 21 years of age..._

She flips to the next page in the folder.

 _Request of Adoption Approval for (minor) Noah Porter Benson._ She can't take it anymore. She closes the folder and flips it over on her desk. A piece of stationary is taped to the back, the header reading 'from the office of ADA Rafael Barba'.

 _Liv. First things first, I am not dying. At least, I'm not dying any faster than the average human being. I am, however, getting old. I don't want a casual relationship. I want to be bound to you and Noah in every possible way I can. You can shred these documents if you want; I don't mean to overwhelm you. But I want you to know, I mean this. Nothing would make me happier than to call Noah my son. Nothing, that is, except maybe someday having the honor of calling you my wife. Again, please don't feel pressured into anything. This is where I'm at, but I don't expect you to be on the same page. You've had a lot of assholes in your life (I'll refrain from names), and I know you're scared that I might be one of them. I'm not exactly the nicest guy I know. I sincerely wish you to be the best, happiest, version of yourself you can possibly be, even if that means you need to let me go. You're first and foremost my best friend, and that will never change._

 _Love, Rafael._

She feels like her heart might explode. _What the hell was I thinking._

"Rafael!" The door to her office opens, and she scans the squad room frantically. She stops when she sees his familiar wrinkled gray suit next to the coffee maker, downing what she would bet is his third cup.

He doesn't notice her calling to him, so she resigns to running over to where he is standing.

"Oh, Liv, I was just about on my way to go talk to the judge about that case. I'll go now." He awkwardly tries to leave, but Olivia grabs his arm.

"This isn't about the case." He looks at her eyes, and then to the ground.

"I assume you read that file I gave you?"

"Yea," she says, unsure of what to say next.

"I-I'm sorry. I overstepped. I'm just going to go. I'll see you around Olivia." He takes a couple of quick strides toward the door before she can regain her voice.

"Rafael, I'm going to need a good lawyer to help me with the adoption paperwork." He turns around to search her eyes, trying to determine if she's saying what he thinks she is saying.

"Liv-"

"I'm not shredding the paperwork. I want you to adopt Noah. I trust you, Rafael. With all my heart." Barba takes a second to absorb the information she's given him, but then his face lights in the way it does after he's won a huge case.

She doesn't care that she's in her own precinct, she kisses him like her life depends on it.

"Ahem, sidebar Counselor?" The two step apart to look up at Fin, who is waving a file in Barba's face.

"As much as I love when mom and dad kiss and make up, we've got a case to solve." Olivia laughs at her detective, and releases an irritated-looking Barba.

"Dinner tonight, on me? Maybe we can go over some of that paperwork?"

Barba smiles and nods at her. "I'd love to." They share a grin, before Fin interrupts once more.

"Alright lovebirds. Get a damn room. The rest of us have a case to solve."

 **Alright, so I was feeling kind of tragic and sad last night and then I woke up this morning and couldn't deal with leaving a sad ending. So here's that sappy reconciliation we all love. Hope you enjoyed! Review for more SVU fics.**


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